As various parts of Gujarat are still recovering from a bad hangover, (following the drinking game they invented during Rahul Gandhi’s interview which entitled them to down a shot of aamrass every time he said RTI/women empowerment/ transparency in system), the country at large seems to be in a state of shock. Many claim that the interview hogged so much limelight that other news channels aired Naked Weather News Updates and scenes from Kim Kardashian’s 1200th sex tape so as to hold on to their dwindling TRPs.

The interview has made one thing clear that Rahul Gandhi is probably stuck in the wrong job. Monster (dot) com take note. He is meant to be doing bigger and better things than merely running one of the world’s biggest democracies. So keeping in mind his awkward dimple syndrome, reluctance to accept the truth and disability to engage in meaningful conversation, I have selected three career options which seem most suitable for him.

1. News reader at AIR FM Rainbow

Job requirement – English speaking skill

The All India Radio (AIR) is a government owned enterprise. Considering his fancy international degrees are fake, all Rahul has to do is pull some strings and become a primetime News reader. Voila! Just like that! Since the headline bulletins on this station are broadcast from Delhi, Rahul does not have to travel too far from home. (Something commoners like you and me consider before even taking up a job.) The best part about this job is that he has to STICK TO THE SCRIPT. Sitting in a comfortable AC studio room all he has to do is read out scripts handed out to him. Although reporting might be one of his KRAs here, I am sure he can outsource that to a third party. On-air impromptu interviews or on-field reporting are not part of the job here. So WIN! The other cool thing about this job is that most urban Indians don’t even tune into this station; which means that Twitter won’t break into a Mexican wave every time you read out a news bulletin on RTI/women empowerment/ transparency in system.

2. Haryanvi Dhaba owner

Job requirement – Knowledge on international cuisines

“I am a serious politician – I am serious journalist.” Now you and Arnab Goswani would like us to believe that the interview was not scripted. Goswami did question you about the party’s involvement in riots that took place in the early 80s, but conveniently forgot to question you on Robert Vadra’s land dealings? So let’s make use of a super-wealthy brother-in-law now! You know and we know that Mr Vadra’s land reserves are huge. Why not set up a Dhaba in southern Haryana where the proposed Delhi-Mumbai Industrial Corridor Project is expected to run through. This Dhaba will be a super-duper hit if everything goes as planned. This way, Rahul will feel more like an average citizen who pins hope on extravagant (unfulfilled) governmental projects. The cuisine at this Dhaba is obviously going to be a mix of Italian and Punjabi because every truck driver loves a generous grating of parmesan cheese on some baked chicken tikka. As owner, he will have no work to do but will have to hire the right people to do the work. The fact that Rahul is well-traveled will come handy here.

3. Poster boy for Anti-ageing cream

Job requirement – Ghori chamdi

Isn’t it weird that in India you haven’t come across an anti-ageing cream for men yet? That’s probably because our actors look so haggard that even Photoshop has thrown its hands up. But brands fret not! This Gandhi man is set to make a beauty revolution if not a political one. I would like to confess something here, prior to the interview; I too was unabashedly an admirer of the dimple but now I am also a fan of his flawless skin. Although, he is 43 years old, in reality the man doesn’t look a day older than 30. With not great but okay hair, an average built and awkwardly positioned dimple, Rahul could be the next best thing to the now droopy-skinned John Abraham. And ladies, he has Italian roots, need I say anything more.

I believe this experience has been an eye-opener for both, Rahul and us. We basically now have to choose between a mass murder and an idiot. Wonderful! Like choosing between Chicken Tikka and Kerala Fish Curry wasn’t confusing enough.

 

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